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Covid-19 & what the pandemic reveals beneath the surface
March 14, 2020

Covid-19 & what the pandemic reveals beneath the surface

As I am writing this, the date is March 14, 2020. It is a Saturday evening.

This past week has seen the Covid-19 virus explode into a global pandemic. In most countries, the number of registered cases has doubled, tripled or simply just exploded. Here in Estonia, the virus has surged from 15 cases to 115.

Within a few days, the entire world has gone into a global lockdown. Many countries have shut their borders, schools are closed and many businesses have stopped operating. Everyone is advised to just stay at home and have as little contact as possible with the outside world.

Coronavirus is the main topic anyone is speaking about. Most of us have never witnessed anything like this in our lives before. There is peculiar energy and excitement in the air.

The image below shows the current official statistics of the pandemic. I took a screenshot of all the countries that have had over 1000 registered cases at this point. It will be interesting to refer back to these figures, once this situation has resolved itself, assuming there will be anyone left to do so.

Covid-19 statistics as of March 14, 2020 (

Personal reflections about the Covid pandemic

I will take a risk here, and say something that may sound extremely naive, cold and even stupid. I may even regret writing this if the situation truly escalates into a global humanitarian catastrophe.

Over the last few days, as I have been speaking to people about this virus situation, I began to notice a strange disposition within me, that silently seems to be rooting for the virus.

In other words, there is a part of me, that seems to anticipate this to blow up into something truly catastrophic. It’s already a crisis, but it’s not yet a catastrophe, and I observe something in me, that feels soothed by the prospect of this becoming something serious beyond anything that humanity has ever seen.

Before I continue, I feel I need to clarify that this feeling is not a consciously formulated opinion or desire, and obviously I also want all humans, as well as my own loved ones and myself, to be totally okay.

This bizarre bias of support for the escalation of this crisis resides in the darker subconscious layers of my psyche. I feel it is a response to a deep inner pain that is seeking solace from this situation, and I feel that I’m not the only one.

I am not judging anyone, but honestly, now that I have identified it within myself, I can hear this hope for a global tragedy in the voices of many people. It’s a subtle energetic overtone, slyly embedded into the vibrations of the spoken words.

I am not the only one with this eerie discomfort beneath the layers of my well-composed human character.

I can recognize this unspoken anticipation in the voices of reporters, doctors, scientists, my friends, and family. This dirty secret is also hidden between the lines of social media posts and news articles, covering the pandemic.

What is it that we really want from the coronavirus disease?

For the entire course of human history, the struggle for survival has been the overarching narrative of our existence. The fight to stay alive is the human story as far back as any story goes.

It has been the underlying force that unifies human communities and it’s also what drives one community to war with another. This primal fear of death has been an immense driving force for human development. Thousands of years of innovation through struggle, striving for a deeper sense of security, stability, and safety.

Everything we see in our society now is the result of this desperate race against death. Religions, science, technology, are all attempts at finding solutions to this pesky itch at the very core of our being.

The scariest thing about death is the unknown. Beyond this person called “me”, there are only dark question marks. I don’t even remember being born. I’m just a hazy stack of memories, as wobbly as my knees when I think about the impermanence of my lonely human existence.

Perhaps the only thing scarier than death is loneliness. The hollowness of my individual identity is asphyxiating. I need other humans to mirror my own existence and purpose.

At the very core of my being, lies a deep urge to connect with other members of my species. To remedy this deep-seated fear of perishing, humans pull together for causes bigger than themselves. We form families, tribes, countries and belief systems that define us as a part of a broader collective through which our purpose is no longer limited to the narrow bandwidth between our physical birth and death.

There is indescribable comfort within this, but also one little glitch: this has never been conscious behavior. The urge for communion is an instinct.

Through this instinct to band together and find solutions for tribal stability and safety, we have arrived where we are now: the age of unparalleled comfort.

Never in history has life been this easy and stable. In terms of what we’ve been striving for, since the dawn of humanity, we have arrived.

We have more food than we can eat, we have more time than we know what to do with, we work less than ever before and our shelters are cozy and warm. Our kids are healthy, smart and capable and the collective life expectancy is higher than ever.

Obviously this is only true for the cream of the crop of society, of which I, and anyone reading this, is a part of. I intend no disregard for the billions of humans to whom life is still a harsh struggle for basic survival.

Through the innovations and efforts of our forefathers, we have built a giant economic machine that sustains every creature comfort we could ever dream of. All we have to do is get up in the morning, do our bits of work, and then buy everything that we’ll ever need from our over-stocked shopping malls.

For us, the incredibly privileged, this battle for survival has been won and we didn’t lift a finger to make that happen. We were just born into it. We live like royalty, amidst a system that is set up to give our measly sense of “me” everything we could need.

This should sound great, but for some reason, it doesn’t feel like it. The millennial generation suffers from a disease unheard of by any generation preceding them. It’s the disease of purposelessness.

It’s the disease of “What the fuck am I here for?

Thousands of years of blood sweat and tears, to realize it’s not what we wanted

The incredible tribulations of our ancestors, to give us, their children the best lives they could imagine, has robbed us of the very purpose that drove them in the first place. They died for a cause, and once fulfilled, the cause died with them.

Our generation has been left with a culture of hyped-up individuality and no real sense of purpose beyond a 9-5 routine and some short-lived thrills. No wonder drugs, pornography, and entertainment are the beacons of our society these days.

This brings me back to this uncomfortable pain within me that assumes a bizarre affinity with the Covid-19 crisis.

The fear of death, which pulled us together as a collective human species, pushing us to overcome the hurdles of survival was never won because it was never about survival. It was never about death.

As humanity, we came together as a unified force, paving the way for a better life for our future generations, no matter what the cost, only to find that the “good life” is not what we wanted.

What really brought us together, was the immense satisfaction of the collective effort. The deep orgasmic union of our measly individual existence with something much greater than ourselves.

Death was never a real fear. It was a made-up pseudo enemy, facilitating the experience of our deeper identity as a collective human organism. It revealed to us the immortal spirit of our species.

The disease of loneliness

The narrow scoped pursuit for survivalist comfort has taken us to a life of meaningless indulgence. The support systems created by our forefathers were designed to tote the selfish pleasure of individuality.

Whilst we all hold a truly unique and purposeful position within the fractal matrix of humanity, our uniqueness has very little to do with self-image based individuality. Our most authentic uniqueness can only be revealed through the mirror of the collective.

Our forefathers only knew the battle for survival, and they won. After thousands and thousands of years, they really did win. Kudos to them.

But because they didn’t know anything else, they couldn’t actually pass on any knowledge of what to do and how to live once the battle is over. They merely promoted indulgence, saying here kids, look at what we created for you… enjoy!

The masses of the privileged society, now find themselves living simple, day to day lives, each playing a minute role in maintaining this monster of a system that sustains our basic comforts, in our basic IKEA furnished boxes at the end of our basic workday. Life is simple but rather lonely, pointless and boring.

It’s the thrill of meeting our friends on the weekends or the pressure of raising children that keeps us going, but these are not enough for a deep sense of fulfillment and purpose. Entertainment can simulate a sense of meaning and satisfaction for a while, but that too withers quickly.

The fact is that inside, most of us are starving for something REAL. Something that rattles our existential comfort zones and forces us to turn to one another beyond our cliques and meaningless social roles.

We want to hold hands with complete strangers and fight against a common enemy. We want to unite for a cause so visceral it sends tingles up our spine. We want to believe in something that is so much bigger than ourselves that we would be willing to put our own puny lives on the line for it.

We want to feel the majestic truth of our cosmic unity within every cell of our body.

THIS is the subtle overtone, that wishfully vibrates in between the lines spoken by many humans discussing the coronavirus.

May it please rain down a catastrophe big enough to force us out of our lonely nucleic existence, and to rise up for our fellow men and women. May our very existence be threatened so we could finally be able to feel truly alive again.

This is the painful plea from the depths of my lonely self, wanting so desperately to call upon my brothers and sisters for something magnificent and united.

Although there is no doubt that the Covid-19 pandemic is a serious situation, I feel that the way it is being handled by us is not only about the virus.

I feel that our response to this disease outbreak is trying to band-aid more than just one ailment. Deep inside, we are seeking a much more powerful sense of fulfillment and purpose, causing an explosion of enthusiasm about this opportunity to unite against an invisible enemy.

After all, this is what our forefathers did, so why would we know any better?

Once the Covid-19 pandemic has passed, I invite anyone reading this to really look into themselves and ask: What is my true purpose in this life?

Our purpose is always and only mirrored within the collective. Our deepest fulfillment comes from offering ourselves in service of the human family.

Whatever this may mean for your individual authenticity, we don’t need a deadly virus to show us that standing up for humanity is where it’s truly at.

Thank you for reading,


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